Stop "Shoulding" Yourself: The Power of Gentle Persistence
5 min. read | Language | Mindset | Freedom | Alignment | Motivation
Struggling with motivation? “Should” isn’t helping. Learn why gentle persistence, intrinsic motivation, and small, consistent, incremental steps lead to lasting change.
We've all been there: “I should work out,” or “I should eat better, or “I should meditate.” And how often does that actually work?
Here’s the reality - “should” is a terrible motivator. It’s built on obligation, not inspiration. Your subconscious mind doesn’t respond well to force. When you tell yourself you should do something, it creates resistance - and you might comply for a while, but eventually, you’ll resent it.
And then? You’ll stop. The mind doesn’t like to be bullied, even by itself. So instead of “shoulding” yourself into action, think gentle persistence.
From "Should" to "Want"
Real change happens when you connect with what you truly want, not what you think you should want. Instead of saying, “I should meditate,” try “I want to feel calmer and clearer today”. Feel the difference? One is a chore; the other is a genuine desire. And your subconscious mind responds far better to authentic desire than to forced discipline.
(And for the astute reader who notices that this article in itself sounds suspiciously like “shoulding” - i.e. “you should not use should” - read on. Because what you may truly want is to help yourself in a simple way by understanding how and why you want to avoid this common cognitive trap!)
The REBT Perspective: Why "Should" Is a Cognitive Trap
Albert Ellis, developer of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), famously warned about the dangers of "shoulding all over yourself." He identified should statements as a cognitive distortion - rigid, unrealistic demands we place on ourselves that lead to frustration, guilt, and anxiety.
Ellis’s ABC Model explains how this works:
A (Activating Event): You don’t go to the gym.
B (Belief): “I should have gone. I’m so lazy.”
C (Consequence): You feel guilt, frustration, or even shame.
But here’s the key: It’s not skipping the gym (A) that made you feel bad (C) - it’s the rigid belief (B). REBT teaches us to replace these unhelpful thoughts with more flexible ones, like:
“I want to go to the gym, but missing one day doesn’t define me.”
“I want to exercise more so I can _____, and I can start fresh tomorrow.”
By shifting our thinking, we free ourselves from unnecessary pressure and make change more sustainable.
The Neuroscience of Motivation (and Why "Should" Backfires)
Do you remember a time, maybe when you were really young, when you just really looked forward to and enjoyed a particular activity - where the consistency and motivation was natural, effortless, fueled by joy or excitement?
Research shows that intrinsic motivation - doing something because you genuinely want to - activates the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine and reinforcing the habit naturally. But when you rely on guilt-driven shoulds, the brain associates the task with stress, making follow-through much harder.
Gentle Persistence: The Key to Real Change
Think of a river smoothing a rough stone - not with force, but with steady, flowing movement over time. Deep transformation doesn’t happen through pressure; it happens through awareness and presence. Hypnosis works the same way. By accessing the subconscious mind, hypnosis helps dismantle rigid mental patterns (like should thinking) and reshape them into desires that feel natural and effortless to follow through on.
Lasting change isn’t about force - it’s about consistency and incremental steps. When we stop treating change as a battle and instead approach it as a practice, the process becomes easier. Resistance itself (or the “rebel” inside us all) can be a teacher, showing us where we need more patience, more self-compassion, and more alignment with what truly matters to us.
The Hypnotic Path to Effortless Change
Hypnotherapy helps you release limiting thought and emotional patterns, so making changes and following through become easier and more self-compassionate. Instead of battling yourself, you learn to align your subconscious with what you truly want and the best way for you to get it - no force required. The subconscious will always present what needs to be looked at, honestly and directly. Hypnosis simply makes that process smoother, faster, and more effective.
So for today, just try dropping the shoulds. Instead, ask yourself: “What do I truly want?” Then take one small step toward it, remaining as kind to yourself as you would a beloved child in your life. No pressure. Just gentle persistence. That’s where real transformation happens.
